yowza (((())))(())(((())))

Page Eleven

thurs oct 22,  2-0-0-8  gaia, living outside in Turners Turds

I am majorly raging on Mr. Matthew today, so here it comes. He’s got a goddamned nerve believing, as he does, that he’s a good guy. Going through all kinds of self-sacrifice to be a pretend bum on the streets and play his undercover games and fight the really big criminals. Take a gunshot to his neck. Be a hero. Truth, justice and the amerikan way. Bla bla bla. And all of this feeds his ravenous ego in such a way that he glows with self-importance. I’ve seen more than once.

He cannot be a hero leaving his sociopathic job and being a man who loves a woman well. He sees no heroism in that. His ego would not get enough puffing up being just that. It’s too pedestrian, too lacking in egocentric drama. He has told me a bit about the shooting. He’s told me he’s the best undercover guy. He says these things glowing with pride.

I don’t believe for a second in any “noble” motives for doing the work that he does, and for continuing to do it after he fell in love with me, after he knew I felt like bait, after he saw how much the homelessness and the separation from my animals was hurting me. There is nothing noble about staying in a dangerous and often lawless and often cruel (to pieces of bait like me) job, only to inflate one’s ego, a sense of one’s own grand importance and supposed indispensibility. NO ONE is indispensible.

The brave man, to me, is the one who can gain mastery over his ego, enter into committed love, taking the risk that it may not end happily. To put one’s heart and one’s soul on the line, rather than one’s neck.

And what about you internet folk, you tinkle toys. What is it you want? Judging from popular blogs I’ve looked at, you want a lot of adolescent posturing and joking around and acting like life is just a romp. Not me. But I’m old. I want blogs that discuss people’s real lives and real thoughts and real feelings, the “nice” feelings, and the other kind too.

another one for Matthew, the best undercover stooge:

you are what then, you’re telling me…
you are on the side of right?
but wait, but wait, but shut your mouth a minute:
how are we defining right?
what does right mean in your world?
what does right mean in me?
you are on your own side is all
I ever see.
you are on your own side, not right’s.
you are on your own side, not mine.
for you, for you, for you
the lying words are said,
the sneaking deeds are done.
truth and right are broken, hammered,
shattered into
screaming ever screaming
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  website  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The unsolicited tag on this post — symbolic art — I believe to be a reference to the little designs I make with symbols in the titles. But to Moonriver I’ll say: I think I’ve already SEEN some of your symbolic art.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: